The Reactive Wife November 26, 2008

Every action calls for a reaction. To be instructed not to react is mute, impossible. There is an inevitable cycle of ups and downs in life and therefore in marriage. Just the very nature of the ebb and flow of time predicts change, adjustments and flexibility. Two people joining in marriage supplies a gamut for active and reactive measures. If prepared reactions can be calm, smart, then what when not prepared?
Your husband should be the primary focus of your relationships. Yes, yes the children are near and dear and demand so much of your time and energy that is a given, but your main purpose is to help meet your husbands needs. Children come second. If that is hard to swallow think of it in this way, maybe. If a marriage falls a part, gets ugly, causes shame does it affect the children in a positive way? If a marriage bond stays strong, grows more beautiful and brings God and others pleasure do these affect the children in a positive way? Put aside all the, “yeah…but’s”, and understand that God intends the marriage relationship to be the most important, influential relationship in this world. What is your intention for your marriage?
Happiness, friendship, closeness, understanding, commitment, trust, love, and mutual respect are great intentions for any marriage, but they are vain and unobtainable without following the order of the “inventor” of marriage. God has a purpose for marriage in general and a plan for marriages specifically. Your reaction to your husband will actually determine how successful you are in achieving the honorable goals listed above, and fulfilling God’s plan and purpose for your marriage and being that special helper to your husband. When your husband’s actions call for a reaction, how do you choose to react?
Honor and respect are two expressions a wife can exude whenever she wants and just as easily retract them. Men need respect, they want to be honored. God intends that as well. Determining a head of time that regardless of what your husband does or says, or doesn’t do or doesn’t say, you will respond to him with respect and honor is a positive, smart reaction. When choosing to react in such a controlled, loving and honoring way you allow God room to work. If you choose to react with disrespect or dishonor are you helping your husband? If your intention is to have a man who is respected, honored and admired by others then doesn’t he deserve the same from his helper? Be prepared to react with an honorable approach to keep you in right standing with God, to help your husband deal with the issues at hand and not be distracted with feelings of contempt from his wife.
You will have to react daily so choose now that you will react God’s way. Mutual respect and closeness will come when a man feels he can trust his wife to do him good. Even when he chooses to be unloving, or disrespectful you can still choose to treat him with honor and still show respect for his position as your husband. Is this easy? How about popular? Answer a big fat NO to both of them, but it is RIGHT! It is the reaction which God asks you to have and will bless your efforts as you serve Him with a pure heart. Ask Jesus to transplant your natural, fleshly reactions with God, honoring ones. Rely on Jesus to lead your husband and rely on Him to govern your reactions.

(For understanding and clarity read Proverbs 31, I Corinthians 11, Ephesians 5 & Titus 2)

But I Still Don’t Feel It! November 26, 2008

We are dealing with one of our children heavily on the subject of “feeling loved.” Trying to communicate through countless words and conversation ’We DOOOOOOO love you,’ is only getting as far as our lips and then it is falling like a weight to the floor never penetrating this child’s heart or being entertained for a few seconds by his/her thoughts. We went through all the physical examples of how we show love, we have dedicated more time doing things with this child that they enjoy, we have given a few minor freedoms to help aid the point “we doooo love you!’ Other methods like writing notes, buying small gifts, being extra gentle with correction, praise in private and public, cuddling and tickling all have not helped our cause. We have prayed with them, showed them the Bible verses. When we talked about this again with this child after all our best efforts the reply was still,

“I don’t feel like you love me, I know it in my head, but I want to feel it too”

Prayer of course was instituted from the start and after trying (and we still are) and making a grandiose effort we’ve been “enlightened” to think- is it our main concern to make sure this child always feels loved? I mean we have done the requested things thrown out to us by him/her that they thought would make them feel loved and it helped only some of the time. Are we failing as parents because one of our children can not feel an unhindered flow of love spewing from his/her parents? Or is this child a bit selfish right now? Where is the balance?

In a conversation with our child, a clearer view of what love really is in their mind was revealed, “I pretty much want to do what I want to do, experiment with all kinds of character paths, be up and down and I want to know, you got my back and are not going to correct me too harshly when I mess up even if I mess up on the same issue over and over again.” (This has been happening, by the way!) This child is struggling with love being equated with acceptance. They want to feel liked and admired by us even when they do not like themselves, or display no admirable quality.

It is humbling to realize that as parents somehow we have communicated that love and acceptance are the same. It is scary to know that we must now ask God to supernaturally reverse the mistakes which we have made in this area and show us how to communicate unconditional love which we thought we were so freely giving. At the same time we must not get so caught up in how this child always FEELS that we slack in discipline, pointing out areas of improvement needed, correcting, and teaching right from wrong. We have completely taken on the task of raising another human being, well 4 for that matter, who should be mature enough to trust the mind when the heart feels differently and to listen to the heart when the mind is trying to feed it garbage. How in the heck do we do that? We can’t. We are not giving up, oh no! We have not lost the vision of 4 balanced, God loving and serving people who are dedicated to His purpose for their lives. We are just resolved that until God makes all of the human race perfect we will all struggle with not feeling what we want to feel- all of the time.

We each will need to decide at one point…
* To believe what we know even though we can’t see it or prove it
* To trust that authority placed over us is one way God teaches us
* To understand that life can not solely be run by how we feel
* To accept that our actions are not always acceptable
* To love ourselves through God’s eyes even when no one else can
* To KNOW God always loves, is always present and we are never alone

So what are we doing now to help show this child how much we love them? The only thing we can do! We are doing our best to listen to our hearts, up lift the situation and person in prayer, humble ourselves and continually ask for help from Jesus and the child and love the purest way we know how.

What would you do?

Every Man’s Challenge November 26, 2008

Are any of you men out there struggling with sexual sin or temptation?

If your answer is “no” please send us an email…We’d love to congratulate you on being the only man on the planet able to avoid this struggle all together!

C’mon guys…you know what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the sexual images that come at you every where you turn. What about every time you turn on the television, flip open a magazine, drive by a billboard, or surf the web? Do you pretend these images don’t grab your attention? The hard part is mustering up the humility to admit that you’re struggling. I am here to tell you that it shouldn’t be so hard to do that. Because the reality is that we are all struggling. In a lot of cases, if you’re not struggling, you’re not trying to win this battle.

There is a battle going on for the condition of your heart right now, this very moment. God wants your heart honest and pure, while Satan and all of his evil forces want it corrupted. Does that sound far fetched to you? If it does, snap out of it because it’s straight from the bible.

The battle for your heart is going on every day, all day long. And the most lethal weapon used by the enemy against us men is that little three-letter word…sex. It’s the sin that has taken out so many good men. God-fearing, God-loving men. Millions of good husbands and dads have been destroyed by it. There lives and their family’s lives ripped apart. Paul wrote in I Corinthians to “flee from sexual immorality.” Webster defines flee as “to run away quickly, as from danger or trouble.” Men, there is no other one specific sin mentioned in scripture (that I know of) calling for such extreme measures to avoid.

Notice Paul didn’t say “focus your mind” or “refrain” or even “guard your heart.” He basically said “turn your butt around and run as fast as you can the other direction.” Why do you think he said that? My guess is because he was a guy, just like us, and he knew exactly how powerful the pull can be. He knew that the lure of sex, the fantasies, the images – can provide a temporary satisfaction that feels good. So good that we fall prisoner to it. And once it captures our hearts, everything around us – our walk with Christ, our marriages, our children, our careers, our character – is at grave risk.

For the last several months, I have been meeting with a few close friends every Wednesday morning at 6am for breakfast. We have been walking chapter by chapter through a book called “Every Man’s Challenge” (by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker) which deals head on with this issue of sexual temptation. I can tell you that having a select group of guys to share with – openly and honestly – has been instrumental in allowing God to change our hearts. We are watching our marriages get better and our hearts gain some purity. Just being able to share stories with one another (both successes and failures) helps encourage and offers accountability.

There are countless spiritual and practical tools in the book to help you fight this battle and we want to encourage every guy out there to read it. But first, you must be able to simply admit that the battle is real. Come clean with your wife, close friend, relative or pastor that you are struggling in this area. Tell them that you don’t want to be another statistic – another guy that lost it all because he didn’t have the character to rise above the pop culture trends of the day. It doesn’t matter how minor the interest may seem to be – it will grow and eventually become an uncontrollable force that consumes your thoughts and takes over your life. That’s why Paul said “flee.”

Men, I challenge you to have the courage to stand with us and fight for the condition of your heart. Pray about it and seek the wisdom of Christ. Talk to your wife about it. Start a men’s group. Open up about it with someone you trust. The more of a “secret indulgence” it is, the greater the foothold you are allowing the enemy to have on you. If you don’t have anyone to reach out to, email one of us at brockadamjohnson@gmail.com or deepstreampa@gmail.com

 

Recommended reading – “The Purity Principle” – Randy Alcorn

Perception November 26, 2008

Perception is Reality

Making the connection between who you think you are and who you really are is a struggle. You have the capability of living in your own reality even when those closest to us remind us- “That is not how it is!” Your desire to feel good about yourself or your fight to not feel bad spins you on the same cycle of doing healthy, good, self-less acts and then when we become shall we say lazy, our true self- centered selves take over- we do what pleases us, what satisfies us, what helps improve our perception of ourselves.. Thinking-

“I am always doing something that is not good. I just can’t get it right. I wish I could be successful in this area. I wish I could be like ______.”

Or

“I am doing really good. Life is sweet. I am feeling really great! And if someone should see something I need work on that’s their problem- I like the way things are right now”

Some could argue it is the half full half empty banter, or personality optimism vs pessimism. That is the point worth discussing- YOUR view of YOURSELF is not always an accurate picture of who you really are to those who intimately know you. Perception is reality and your perception of yourself must be balanced, truthful and accurate so your reality is as well. What’s accurate? Where do you find the balance and what is truth when it comes to looking at yourself and seeing the way you really are.

Life is a bumpy road of suppressing the strong and unstoppable flesh called ME even though life is so not about YOU! You are not a good person trying to ward off the evil and the hurtful things of this world, no you are born with selfishness, you are inherently looking to please the only person who you have to truly be happy with- yourself. Do you believe that? Is it easier to look at yourself as a selfish, malevolent person rather than a kind, loving and thoughtful soul? No, but it is more accurate. Looking at who you really are- being honest with what you really struggle with and battle against only helps you deal with it more effectively. Ignoring, believing and forming your perspective that you are such a good person encourages failure because it is not the truth. You are only able to be good when you realize the miserable person you can purely be, deal with it by cleaning it out, and replace it with a new, wholesome energy. By not being willing to see yourself as who you really are you could be making your life more difficult as you cloud your thinking with “positive, self- esteem” thoughts or depressing “I’m not good enough” stinkin’ thinkin’. Truth, accuracy and a balanced view of yourself comes only from seeing yourself as you really are. If you know God as a friend your change is not far off. (If you are struggling with peace towards God than that is your first move- move closer to Him and He will move closer to you.)

“…Christ’s love controls us. We are sure that one person died for everyone. And so everyone died. Christ died for everyone. He died so that those who live should not live for themselves anymore, they should live for Christ. He died for them and was raised again. So from now on we don’t look at anyone the way the world does. At one time we looked at Christ in that way, but we don’t anymore. Anyone who believes in Christ is a new creation. The old is gone! The new has come! It is all from God. He brought is back to himself through Christ’s death on the cross and he has given us the task of bringing others back to him through Christ…”
2 Corinthians 5

If you have not called on God to implant you with this view of yourself you might not ever be able to achieve the balance, accuracy and truth about who you really are. If God is too abstract for you right now to ask Him to reveal who you really are, than ask the people closest to you to be honest in sharing the positive and negatives of your “personality.” They know it- even when you try to act like you don’t. Perception is reality. Take time to see what you are really like- your reality can only become clearer.

Hard Work but Great Pay November 26, 2008

As life goes by it is amazing to look back on all of the friendships that we have made as a couples. Our marriage live’s have been enriched, challenged, strengthened, and renewed by the countless numbers of friends that we have crossed paths with. As our homes have grown, new jobs, friends, relocations, and all sorts of change have occurred. We’ve both been through our share of moves, job changes, etc… Each time we have moved as couples we have been blessed with great new connections. Throughout these years, we’ve had the opportunity to stay connected with many of these couples and we’ve also heard the news of some who have gone through marriage struggles and many who actually decided to end their marriage, calling it quits. Talk about a wake up call! When someone close to you goes through any kind of struggle, it really seems to refocus your vision on what really matters and you realize that none are exempt from the struggles in marriage and difficulties in life.

News of a broken marriage is always troubling and our minds begin to race with all sorts of questions on why so many couples today don’t make it! What has happened to the ideals and values in our culture that has brought us to the point of saying “when the going gets tough, the tough quit”? There is no easy answer to that question, but one thing that we do believe is that too many couples enter into marriage thinking that it will always be like the first date, like the honeymoon. The truth for all of us though, and it isn’t news to many of you, is that once you finish that first year or two, the HONEYMOON phase is over and the labor pains begin. The growth of two individuals who are becoming one is painful, not to mention the growth of a family. When you bring children into the mix, not only is it painful for the women who are giving birth, but there are pains of another sort that the couple begins to face, new struggles which if not dealt with can be lethal to your marriage. The longer you are married, the busier you get, you begin to get pulled in all sorts of directions and sometimes we don’t realize it but it means we have to work harder at preserving the importance of our marriage relationship. Too often though, the area that we forget to focus on, or take for granted, is the relationship that is most vital to the stability within your home and family. The more packed our schedules get, it is even more important that we work hard to plan adequate time for developing the love of our life!

Think about your own marriage! Any arguments lately? Disagreements? If we are all honest with each other the answer is YES!!!

Do we all agree? MARRIAGE IS HARD WORK! You know what though? There isn’t another form of work in life that brings greater rewards. When two people labor to make the other person happy, something beautiful is created – a desirable marriage.

We are convinced that our culture is coming up with so many “alternatives” to marriage, due to the large numbers of marriages that aren’t working. Is there anything to convince our world that God’s plan for a man and woman is the right way? In order for our culture to be convinced that marriage works, they will have to see couples who are willing to Work hard, in spite of the many struggles that we all face. Start working hard to make yours something special. Do you want a marriage that will impact others that you interact with? Work at it! Do you want to be happy? Well, work at it! Don’t give up just because things get tough!

** If you have questions or concerns regarding your marriage relationship, we would love to be a help in any way we can. We don’t have all the answers, but we can definitely try to steer you in the right direction. Contact us at deepstreampa@gmail.com or call us at 570-856-5630.